I do believe there is an overall intelligence to our lives, even with our mistakes. I'm trying to detach my emotions from my past actions, but that isn't always simple. So I will break it down.
Category 1: What did I do right?
1. Remain in Chicago until my mom passed.
2. Got my BA .
3. Became best friends with __________, we still call and text each other, and I trust her with my life.
4. Had a big fat wedding.
5. Waited to have kids.
6. Got married. I'm not sorry about that.
7. Became an educator.
8. Got into yoga and pilates.
Category 2: Where did I fuck up?
1. Going for a Ph.D. What a waste of time. I should have stopped after the MA or I should have applied for an MFA. Those years are dark holes.
2. Trusting almost everyone I ever trusted.
3. Not trusting myself and my talent.
4. Not seeing problems in my marriage when they were staring me straight up in the face.
5. Believing what people thought of me and trying to prove them wrong. See number 1.
6. Speaking my mind when everyone was better off not hearing it.
Category 3: What do I wish I had done in the past?
1. Appreciated the people who really loved me.
2. Stopped being so selfish.
3. Listened to my inner voice that warned me or guided me.
4. Traveled more.
5. Thought less.
6.. Spent more time at the office. (what office?)
Category 4: What will I do with the time I got left?
I haven't gotten that far.
There is also the "why did I say that", "why didn't I listen" and so on, but really, it is what it is. No one gives you instructions on how to do this life game. Besides, I am a tactile learner, and I never read that part of the package. So I'm going to try to enjoy myself and everything else around me. Even if it is all falling apart, something always remains.
