Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Next Apocalypse--As Revealed To Susan

Chilling Out with the Lion of God

1. I would like to predict the next apocalypse. No, this is not based on holy writ. I will exercise my right to call them as I see them.

2. When will the next apocalypse take place? Dunno, but not soon enough.

3. How will we know the signs? People who treat you like shit will suddenly be kind and solicitous. When you are broke, they will lend you money without sending loan sharks after you. When you are sick, they will bring you hot soup, clean your house and act like it is their duty to serve you in your travails. They will watch your kids so that you can get some rest.  People will become more humane.

4. ( I know the last one is fairly unbelievable--a bit like Jesus coming down from his throne, but bear with me.)

5. The earth will be calm. No more tornadoes. No more thundersnow storms. No more earthquakes, tsunamis, oil spills, hurricanes and all those other natural disasters that must be punishment from the most high.

6. People will stop acting stupid, and get their kids vaccinated for polio, mumps, measles, whooping cough, hepatitis B  and chickenpox. Scientists will reforge the great smallpox vaccine with the help of the elves. Even better, no needles, just the tips of swords.

7. Since there is enough food on the earth to feed us all into the next 100 Thanksgivings, hunger will become a thing of the past. Love of mankind will replace all greed. No one has to give 20 bucks a month to those starving kids you see on TV about 3am.

8. All religions will cease to be. You can believe that Elmo gave us the ten commandments, Homer Simpson got swallowed by a whale, Judas Iscariot was a nice man, and Revelation was computer programmed. God will just be God, and for those of you who don't believe in such a personage-- well, that's alright too.

9. People will rediscover the love of books. TVs will only serve for watching great sports matchups, like the Chicago Bulls and the Miami Heat, or the Philadelphia Phillies against anyone else, including your mother (she is better at bat then any of them are right now). Ipods will cost you a bowl of spaghetti. Fake music like Justin Beiber and Brittney Spears will go the way of all disease. You won't be afraid to turn on the radio.

10. When the end comes, it won't be from the ire of some bossy deity. It won't be from our own selfishness. It won't be from turning biblical words into algebraic equations. Geocentrism will simply pass on.

For those who think I'm a dreamer, I'm not the only one. Now why don't we start helping each other?. Stop dreading the big fist of God. Just treat people right; quit wasting your time with addictive substances that make the drug cartels rich: stop eating Twinkies and Little Debbies and do something meaningful with your life. You never know the time or hour that YOU may leave your body. So take care of yourself, and show everyone that you have a benevolent heart. Even if I am wrong, would anything of this really be such a problem in the long run?


  1. Amen. And that is all that needs to be said.

  2. I almost wrote that the Bible would no longer be used for math equations--or did I say that? I've been ridiculing this apocalyptic talk for so long that I'm losing sight of my jokes.

  3. Amen!

    It's we who will end civilizatiion. But for some, who don't wish to take responsibility, who dress their powerlust in self-righteous piety, it's easier to blame God, don't you know.

  4. Are you sure you are describing the pre-Apocalypse?
    Looks like post Apocalypse scenario to me.People who will remain will be forced to be kind to each other.Well, at least for some time.

  5. You're right about that Susan. If it happens, it will be an apocalypse.

  6. I wanted to make a profound comment but I decided I want to check my facebook page and eat a twinkie first. And I want one of those "Bark less wag more" mugs.

  7. We shall all be happy wagging dogs; dogs cannot read!

  8. Awesome! That's friggin' hilarious!

  9. Jon: Oh, I'm just warming up! More sardonic pieces await.

    SJ: I just saw the pic. If we can't find it, let's make one on Cafe Press along with some of your witticisms.

    Mr. C: You know, I hadn't really thought of it that way, but yeah, we just might find life a bit more tolerable than getting hell, fire and brimstone shoved in our face. Did you ever watch the Black Adder? If not, I got a video clip for you!

    Desp: Did you read Alas Babylon--a cold war novel about nuclear holocaust? It bears out your point.

    X-Dell: I decided to throw in a plug for science and change over time as opposed to catastrophism.

    John: My favorite commericial ever! But dogs are no longer the only ones who can't read.

  10. Sounds more heavenly than apocalyptic. And, it could happen -- I'm a dreamer bor4n on Valentine's Day -- it could happen if people allowed the ingredient of unconditional love into their lives.

  11. Golden Rule. Why not? How to deal with the power-lusting psychopaths, though? That's the hard part whilst on Earth with no one coming to the rescue so far as we can know.

    I spent the Rapture in Detroit. Indeed, why the Hell not?

  12. Good list but I'd move #8 up to #1, it might make the rest of the list easier to pull off.

  13. My word verification was "versess"'s a sign I'm tellin' ya!

  14. without dreamers the world would be a horrible place to live in !! :)

  15. Allan: Have you ever watched Black Adder? Watch the medieval spoofs and you will feel like history has stood still.

    Chachaberry: Amen to that. One of my favorite lines is from a Springsteen song: Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something else?

    Erik: How about if all those folks get raptured right into the heart of Detroit? Maybe God could split them into groups: first one goes to Detroit, the second goes to the South Pole, the third goes to the bermuda triangle.

    Nick: Yes, so true.


All things are happening automatically...except word verification!