Insomnia Bites

I'm a bundle of nerves, and nothing is letting me rest. Maybe it's time that I go back to writing one of those meaningful blogs that I used to do. I was good at that for a while.I'm not one for counting sheep, so I will write about all the things that may be affecting my sleep patterns.

1. Nerves: I'm teaching summer school, and I've been blessed with a fantastic group.  I love what I teach. But there has been so much in-fighting that sitting with one person over another becomes a political statement. I need to teach, talk with my students, do my job and go home. It's sad when I feel that I can only befriend certain people--the job goes so much better when we are all getting along and sharing ideas. Why is the work place such a mine field? Can't people put all that worldly ambition into something that helps others, not just themselves?

2. Anger at Injustice: I'm coming off a legal battle with my former landlord in which everything got as ugly as things could be. I won't go into detail, but he is another reason why I'm staying the hell away from "Christians". Even worse, the church that he once attended with my husband were oddly mum about the matter. The lead pastor knew what was going on; he knew my husband was getting over a stroke, but we still had to move. I had no money for movers. Thankfully, many friends saw what was going on and helped us. Our landlord locked us out of the house in mid-move; it was illegal as we still had the right to be there, but as Emperor Palpatine told Luke: "Let the hate flow." I felt like I was losing my mind between a sick husband and a son who watched a man who he once called a family friend turn into something else. Looking back, I wish I hadn't written one email to him; my husband had just gotten out of the hospital, and my landlord wanted us out that weekend. Sure, he has his point of view, and he had the right to his property. I'm working hard on getting past my anger, particularly over the method he used to get rent we couldn't pay, as my husband had been unemployed and I was the only paycheck. May I be granted grace for all of these bad feelings.

3. Anger at Fakes: The lead pastor has a lot of charisma, but he is no man of God. People loved him for his easy manner until many realized it was all show and little substance.This man doesn't want to help anyone unless they are a part of his fan club. Jesus is his king--that is really swell, but Jesus also was humble;he took on burdens that no one else would carry, and he endured distasteful acts against his person. Jesus said that his kingdom is not of this world, but this pastor doesn't like that Jesus. Like many Christians I see, he prefers the Jesus who takes names then kicks some sinner ass. I've seen worse in the preaching area; he isn't a hypocrite, but he isn't very nice. When I asked him his opinion of what happened in our last move, he immediately thought I was trying to suck him into the problem. (I wasn't.) He told me that I was no innocent. ( I knew that. Isn't Christianity about admitting fallibility?) He refused (he used that word) to get involved. (I didn't ask him to do so; I just wanted his opinion.) He is the kind of church leader that loves to save Haiti, but cannot figure out how to minister to ordinary people in the neighborhood. Maybe he'll do better elsewhere. As long as there is life, we all have the chance to grow.
 
4. Resentment at People who cry "I'm Broke" when they aren't: This recession brought out the worst in some formally entitled folk. For some of us, recession meant unemployment, eviction and foreclosure. For others, it meant no more elaborant vacations to Europe, no more new cars, no more season tickets to the symphony, no more spontaneous shopping. Oddly, the ones who suffered the greatest losses had the most generous spirits. I have a friend who always includes my son in every family activity. When my husband was ill, she took my son--no questions asked. She's a guardian angel. I think the recession was about standing up for others and getting counted as a member of the human race. Some people thought only of themselves and their little material toys. Maybe the diminishing goods meant they had to confront who they are. Maybe those nights they were forced to stay home instead of seeing Broadway plays meant they had to talk to their family members and they realized they had nothing to say. Last year I almost lost everything, but I didn't lose my family. Is that the message? Do we know the difference between the bread of eternity and the bread that rots?

Back to sleep.