Last night I was writing an email, and my husband suddenly had another attack. He was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. My son and I rode with him.
I'm glad to say that he is all right. But we have a lot to do. And I'm at a loss.
I used to get all these comments that I was searching for pity, that I'm a drama queen--tons of stuff. Now I'm started to get it here, when my focus is to destroy my ego and see how I can be a vessel for the Divine. My friend told me that God is doing some major clearing in our lives. Maybe. Times like these I cannot intuit anything.. My husband is getting sick for a reason. Stress is a major factor. Stress kills people; I've seen it. I don't want my husband to die. I want my son to know his father.
My last post was about clearing hatred, not owning it. Anyone who thinks otherwise should read it again or just go somewhere else, because the internet is one big department store. The last time my husband got sick, it was in March--he had a stroke. The two people who helped make sure his life remained miserable are the ones I discuss in the previous post. Ironic that I write a post about them and the same thing happens, except this wasn't a stroke, but an insane spike in his BP, which caused unpleasant symptoms.
Right now I just can't deal with people who don't get what I'm trying to say. I'm too raw. I cannot handle feeling it. Simply by blogging, I put my emotions at risk. And I'm not going to do that. It's not worth it.
This year has been so hard. I have nothing to give anyone. I'm empty. I got to get back to the garden.
susan,
ReplyDeleteno pity.
no poem.
no platitudes.
no words beyond a prayer for an easing of the pain you are feeling.
all the words are dried up and useless when the heart leaks from the rips and holes life helps us place in the paths we walk.
a hug and a hold steady susan, this will pass. the passing away of the pain emotions lay in circles around thought is not easy to deal with from the insides of those circles.
i would only add that each each time i feel joy's touch i give thanks to the pain and the sorrow that helped it arise in me, and with which help that pain is released.
hug.
Namaste
Bless you.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
ReplyDeleteLove to you too, my dear friend.
ReplyDeletei would hope to share my joy with you and yours on this christmas day.
ReplyDeleteGood Morning Sacred Love
tomorrow is christmas
and then happy new year
what ever lives here in love
has nothing to fear
tonight opened early
joy's presence so near
juliet is born
may god hold her dear
tomorrow is christmas
my love and my hopes
flow eddied in wonder
up steep icy slopes
may all who live easy
in harder days come
help others to be
in greater than sum
tomorrow is christmas
a sound taken flight
rings into this star field
a sharp blessed light.
Namaste Juliet
19:39 12 24 2010
now iam grandpa lightball ; )
You are always so kind to me and I thank you. Right now I wish Christmas would go to hell.
ReplyDeletelighten up bitch
ReplyDeleteScrew the haters. Take care of yourself and your family Susan you aren't obliged to give anyone else anything.
ReplyDeleteWishing John good health and stress-relief.
SJ: As you know, they always find me. Thanks, buddy.
ReplyDeleteAnon: Sure thing. Get a life and quit trolling female bloggers.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous-
ReplyDeleteName yourself, asshole, or name yourself Asshole.
Yes Susan they do. I wish my prediction that they will come over to this blog too had been wrong.
ReplyDeleteI suspect it is you killing your husband. Your age & anger is too much for any man to endure.
ReplyDelete@luxexorient...nice one...
ReplyDelete@Susan and all others... WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR...
@susam...am adding your blog to my favs list... :)
SJ--uncanny, no?
ReplyDeleteHari: Thank you and I wish the same for you.
Oh, goodie, Lassie's here. I wonder if she knows me since she is such an expert on my behavior.
Lassie- what a bitch! "Age" or "rage"?
ReplyDeleteI will put you both on my prayer list..candles lit..prayers sent..
ReplyDeletehating someone is like taking poison and hoping the person you hate will die.
or like Buddy Hackett said..while I was hating him, he was out dancing..
I will pray for you too
ReplyDeleteSusan the way to not stress, to not hate, to not anything, is just to not. I know tough times and I know them well enough to have learned to swim with the tide of them and not let that tide rule me but just let it take me for there is land somewhere and I will find it or it will find me. The Dharma s a river and time its tide. Swim gently easily through it.
ReplyDeleteTo hate a holiday or time of year is a fools errand because no one can change the mind of a single person much less a culture. Just swim not hard and fast but slow and steady and you three will make it through to the land.
To be in fear for your old man is also a fools game for it is fear, the opposite of love (not hate), that opens the door to negative fullness. Your goal is empty fullness. Be nothing and become everything you seek in that nothingness.
To your old man I say don't let the days wear on you, you are still the same good man, the same hard worker you were two years ago but if you let that which is outside of you infect the inside then you are swimming too hard and need, must, stop and turn your back to the water and float for a moment and look at the moon lit night and remember that every darkness has its dawn. Do not feel so god damn alone dude, you are one of millions caught up in the greed of few who only want your paper and coin. Once it is gone then you should begin to think clearer for there is nothing more to take from you that you can not protect and then in protecting them and that which you love you will find your way.
All of you just breathe. It fills the belly better than rice and beans.
Be Well and know that You ALL are loved by more than men.
mark
You can only be a vessel for the divine if you practice virtue.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing to admire in people is virtue. All things in this world are virtuous except people- that either by choice or blind habit become unvirtuous. Babies and children are virtuous because they do not choose. Our choices separate us from virtue or reaffirm virtue within us.
Choose virtue. With it comes clarity and peace. The rest is confetti.
Piktor: You found me. I shut down CV for a while because my trolls were following me and I really don't need it. How are you? It's interesting that you mention virtue as it is something I focus on when I teach Socrates and the Tao. And it isn't an easy concept to explain.
ReplyDeleteWM: Things are getting better. I thought the first illness would have more of an impact, not that it didn't, but now he is agreeing to do things that he would never do before. For me, it was the last thing I needed--we were working to make a good Christmas, I had just finished grading for the semester and this just knocked me out. My sister said she never saw the two of us so tired. I'm feeling more optimistic--thank you for your concern and friendship to me and John.
ReplyDeleteGW: You are very kind.
Yellowdog Granny: As I said before, I love you. I appreciate the candle and I feel the energy that you sent. Blessings, my new friend!
ReplyDeleteNot pity, but concern. I think he needs a break. In fact, you all need a break.
ReplyDeleteI think that all of us. along with Barack Obama and the Democrats are going to be overjoyed when 2010 hits our backside.
ReplyDeleteThanks, X-Dell. I've been thinking of you.
take care of you.
ReplyDeletehugs.
2011 is coming in twenty-nine minutes. I hope it's better for me, you, the husband and the kid.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers and hugs,
ReplyDeleteLove,
Desp
Oh, good, Desperado. you found me! Much love to you!
ReplyDeleteJaya J: Thank you. I think the upcoming year is a lesson in acceptance.
X-I would love to know more about your year if you ever want to tell me. I miss you. Yeah, adios to 2010!